What Friends Are For
by Starrynight3
Summary: aniel is dealing with the aftermath of Machello's device, the padded cell, all the drugs and resentmment toward his teammates. A friend helps clarify things.


TITLE: What Friends Are For 

AUTHOR: Starrynight 

DATE: 9/14/01 

EMAIL: kitty1jw@hotmail.com 

CATEGORY: Hurt/comfort; Angst 

PAIRINGS: None 

SPOILERS: Legacy 

SEASON/SEQUEL: 3/ Right after Legacy 

RATING: PG 

CONTENT WARNINGS: Angst! 

SUMMARY: Daniel is dealing with the aftermath of Machello's device, the padded cell, all the drugs and resentment toward his teammates. A friend helps clarify things. 

STATUS: Revised 

ARCHIVE: Heliopolis 

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without the permission of the author. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wish to than Orac for reading this for me! You helped me to make a better story! 

****************************************************************************** 

A quiet knock on his office door jerked Daniel out of his reverie. He hesitated for a moment and gathered himself. Then he slowly stood up and made his way to the door. He opened it cautiously and peered out. Linda stood in the corridor. She looked concerned.   
  


"Linda . . . hi . . . come in."   
  


Linda stepped inside carefully and stood quietly. Daniel slowly walked over and sat behind his desk. She just stayed where she was. "Danny . . . " She said tentatively. "I just heard . . . I'm really sorry . . . " She looked very despondent.   
  


'Why on earth is she apologizing?' Daniel thought. 'She didn't do anything.' He remained silent. She didn't say anything else either. Daniel could see the deep and sincere compassion in her aquamarine eyes. Then she spoke. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I just got back from PW6778. Janet told me what happened to you and how you're isolating yourself."   
  


Daniel shook his head slightly. "It's not your fault," he said very quietly. 'Darn you, Janet!' he thought. 'Just couldn't leave me alone, could you?'   
  


"You needed help . . . You needed support . . . I . . . "   
  


"Stop it, Linda!" Daniel said, a little irritated.   
  


"You're angry with your friends, aren't you?" The way she said it really struck home, so compassionate and caring. Janet had told her about what Machello's "bug" had done to Daniel. How he had been imprisoned in the padded cell and they had injected him with drugs to counter the "schizophrenia". He was still withdrawing from those. How at first they had refused to believe him when he tried to tell them what was happening. How they wouldn't believe him about the "bug" going into Teal'c and making him ill, until it was almost too late. When Daniel had first returned, he had seemed okay, probably because he was focusing more on saving Teal'c and his teammates from the "bugs." Then, once the crisis had passed, he had started to withdraw from them. In short, it was a very unhappy situation. 'Linda, I'm sure he must hate us for what we've done,' Janet had said.   
  


Daniel reacted angrily at first and then regretted that . "God . . . " His voice broke on the word. "I . . .I don't want to be . . . but I am. I just can't help it. I . . . was so alone. I tried to make them understand." 

. 

Linda walked over, pulled the empty chair around to the other side of the desk and sat next to him. She took his hand and gently enveloped it in both of hers. "That's okay. It's understandable. What you have been through I wouldn't wish on anybody." She shook her head as if trying to shake something from her mind. Daniel looked up at her. 'What's going on in there?' he thought.   
  


"I really do understand" Linda said again. She had a look on her face as if a ghost from the past was haunting her."Your friends really do care about you. They're just as hurt as you are. I can see it on them. They're scared and concerned and they don't know what to do. They feel helpless." She was staring at the floor, avoiding his eyes.   
  


"Why? ..." was all Daniel could manage to get out. "Why did this have to happen to me? To all of us?" A couple of tears ran down his face.   
  


"I can't answer that, Danny." A tear moved down her cheek as well. "It's just life, I guess. But it does seem that some of us get more of the hard knocks than we deserve."   
  


Daniel nodded sadly in agreement. He had certainly had his share of those, but he had still gone on. It seemed that he had the reputation of being "hard to kill". Under the gentle and sensitive surface seemed to lay a core of rock-hard resolve and determination, something that just didn't give up. Linda wanted to access this part of him to help him come to grips with his experience concerning Machello and the white room. She knew that he had the ability to get past this and go on, even though it had probably been one of the most traumatic events of his life. She knew from the past that he would probably go through a stage of deep hurt and questioning. There would probably be some serious self-doubt and recrimination, too, even some anger and wanting to strike out at his so-called "friends". Knowing Daniel, the way she did, she knew that he would not actually hurt his friends. He would rather crawl in a corner and hide while recovering. Violence just wasn't in his nature.   
  


"Danny, the reason your friends are reacting the way they are . . . "   
  


"I know . . . They don't understand. They are acting differently toward me, almost as if they expect something to happen again," he said impatiently.   
  


"Danny, how could they understand? They've probably never dealt with something like this before. We don't know what they might have been thinking. They could have panicked. They don't have that kind of knowledge, that kind of expertise." Linda tried to make this clear to him.   
  


"True," Daniel sighed. He was starting to feel some remorse and guilt for having judged his friends so harshly. Linda could see it in his eyes.   
  


"I don't want you to start punishing yourself mercilessly, Danny. I know you'll do that, too. I just want you to understand that your friends' feelings were valid under the circumstances, but yours are, too. You needed help and understanding at the time. They were scared to death by what they saw, the radical change you'd made. You can see where this might become a problem."   
  


"Yes," he said very quietly. "Oh . . . God . . . " A few tears ran down his face now.   
  


"Danny . . . Please don't do this to yourself."   
  


He didn't respond.   
  


"You are all very hurt people right now, but you will all heal and go on." She tried to provide a hope for him to focus on. "I know how it is to have schizophrenia," Linda stated compassionately.   
  


" But I am not schizophrenic," Daniel said sadly.   
  


"No, I know that, but for all intents and purposes you seemed to be at the time. Your friends reacted to what they saw. They couldn't crawl inside your head and know what was going on inside you. You appeared schizophrenic, so they assumed you were."   
  


"I've hurt them, haven't I? I didn't mean to. I just haven't wanted to deal with anybody." Daniel said in despair. These were the people who were essentially his family and he felt he might lose them.   
  


"Danny, they will understand. I will make them understand if necessary," Linda stated, trying to comfort her disconsolate friend.   
  


"Linda . . . please . . . don't . . . "   
  


"Danny, this schizophrenia thing is in my family. My own father has it. I know how it works. I'm just so thankful it wasn't the real thing for you."   
  


Daniel looked at Linda in shock. "You . . . ?"   
  


"Yes, me."   
  


"I never knew that," he mumbled.   
  


"That's because I never told you."   
  


"Why?" he asked plaintively.   
  


"It just never came up before now."   
  


"Then you really do understand . . . "   
  


"Yes, very definitely."   
  


Daniel just stared at her, trying to comprehend what she was saying.   
  


"I'm glad that you won't have to live a life of going between reality and fantasy . . . of being divorced from yourself . . . of committing violent acts and not knowing you've done so . . . of trying to be independent but your own mind won't let you . . . of hearing and seeing things and being compelled to do what they tell you to . . . of not being able to function on a daily basis for long periods of time . . . of having to be on medication for your whole life because that's the only way to control it but not completely . . . of having to be in institutions . . . or even of being homeless on the street because you can't keep a job and can't support yourself . . . of . . . "   
  


"Linda???..." Daniel interrupted her litany as he stared at her dumbfounded.   
  


"I'm sorry, Danny, but that's the reality of schizophrenia. I receive letters from my father telling me how people are talking to him out of thin air. Or he will tell me a complete history of his life that is mostly fantasy. I know because I know my family's real history. He will adamantly deny being ill in any way. He'll accuse others of being conspirators if they don't agree with his assessment of things. He'll deny that he ever hurt anyone even when there are witnesses and documentation to prove the opposite. That is the real schizophrenia, Danny. It's a very nasty roller coaster ride."   
  


Daniel just shook his head in disbelief. He didn't know what to say or do.   
  


"People on the outside are scared, some literally petrified of this kind of disease. This is what your friends could have lost you to. That is why they were so fearful and maybe even wanted to run away."   
  


Daniel sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. He was trying to understand all those things she described. He felt panic start to well inside him. His visibly stiffened. To think that the others thought he might actually have been this way . . . To think that he might actually have been this way for the rest of his life . . . What if Machello had actually stayed inside him? The horror of being locked up in the cell alone returned. To think that it could have been indefinite, that he would have to spend the rest of his life in an institution . . . even if he wasn't always in the cell . . . It was too overwhelming.   
  


"Danny? ...DANNY!!" Linda grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. Daniel relaxed a little.   
  


"Danny, don't go there. You aren't that way and you probably never will be again."   
  


"But . . . I . . . was . . . " he said, barely whispering.   
  


"You are okay now. You are recovering. That's the important thing. I just needed to get you to see your friends' view. You can't afford to lose them and they can't really afford to lose you either. You're all too close for that. My father will probably never recover from this horrifying disease, but you will recover and come to trust your friends and the SGC again. It will work out." Linda looked closely at Daniel. Inwardly she felt the emotions that she saw in the depths of his eyes. She knew what was about to happen.   
  


Daniel was feeling remorse and regret, also loss. His face contorted and tears streamed onto his cheeks. Linda embraced him. She had known this would all come out sooner or later. "I've lost them! "   
  


Janet had explained that the drugs meant to counter the "schizophrenia" were causing this depression. It would abate as the drug levels in Daniel's system decreased.   
  


"No, Danny, you haven't." Linda tried to console him.   
  


"I've really been wrong about them . . . "   
  


"Danny, they still care about you. I know they do!" Linda insisted.   
  


"I don't deserve them." Daniel lamented.   
  


"Danny, that's just not true. They'll be there for you. I'll talk to them. I'll help them understand."   
  


Daniel said nothing. He just wept until he was exhausted. Linda continued to hold him. She knew how tortuous this kind of thing was. Finally Daniel fell asleep in her arms. 'Good,' she thought. 'He probably hasn't slept much in days.' When Linda was sure he was sound asleep she eased him back into the chair. Eventually she slept, too.   
  


******************************************************************************   
  


A knock on the open door woke Linda up suddenly. Then she looked at Daniel who was still fast asleep. 'He's totally exhausted,' she thought. Daniel shifted in his sleep. Linda rose quietly and answered the door. It was Jack.   
  


"I just came by to see how Daniel's doing."   
  


"Let's go outside," Linda said. "He's finally sleeping and I don't want to wake him "   
  


"Okay," Jack agreed.   
  


They walked down the hall silently and exited through the nearest door.   
  


"How is he?" Jack asked, concern etched on his features.   
  


"He's going to be better," Linda replied quietly, "but he's really been through the wringer."   
  


"Oh, God . . . "   
  


"It's okay now. He just had to make some realizations and get it all out of his system."   
  


Jack looked at her, his brown eyes questioning.   
  


"Danny misinterpreted your fear. He couldn't understand why you all reacted the way you did when he was in Mental Health and since then. He thought that you still felt he was crazy, that it might happen again. Once I got him to realize why you were so fearful and edgy then he felt guilty about feeling the way he had before. He felt he had wronged you, that he wasn't worthy of your friendship. It really hurt him."   
  


"Why would he say that?" Jack asked, totally floored by this revelation.   
  


"I think I made him comprehend how much schizophrenia really scares people . . . where your fear came from. You know that Danny has deep feelings. He hated the idea of hurting you or causing such fear in you."   
  


Jack just shook his head sadly. 'God, Daniel, what has happened to us?'   
  


Linda could see that Jack felt really bad about this. "Right now the thing that Danny needs most is to know that he hasn't lost you."   
  


"Of course he hasn't lost us." 

"In his mind he feels he has. He believes he has hurt you and that you won't forgive him."   
  


"That's hardly true!" Jack said impatiently. "We know he's been through a lot!"   
  


"I don't know if Janet told you, but the drugs are causing this reaction. You just need to reassure him. You also need to put your fears aside and accept that he is not ill and that he will eventually be whole again."   
  


Jack nodded in agreement. "We'll make sure that he knows he'll never lose us as his friends, his family, no matter what."   
  


"That's good. Can you please make sure that the others know this, too?"   
  


"Yep. We'll all be there for him. We'll leave no doubt in his mind that he's one of us. By the way," a smile appeared on Jack's face. "Were you a shrink or something in a past life?"   
  


"No," Linda answered seriously. "I know because my father actually has schizophrenia." 

"Oh . . . " he answered, becoming serious again. "I'm just glad you were able to help Daniel."   
  


"It's not your fault. You have to have dealt with schizophrenia to really understand all its implications."   
  


Jack nodded.   
  


"Just be there for him. That's the most important thing."   
  


"We will and I will tell the others what you told me."   
  


"Thank you. I'm sure Danny will thank you, too."   
  


Linda opened the door and went back inside the building. When they reached Daniel's office Jack continued down the hall and Linda opened the door and went in. Daniel was still asleep. Linda went back out the door and across the hall to her office to retrieve some materials to read. She knew Daniel wouldn't mind if she studied in his office. She didn't want to leave him alone for too long right now. Linda crossed the hall again and stepped quietly into his office. She pulled the empty chair back around to the other side of the desk. Then sat, moved a few artifacts and started compiling her notes from the dinosaur planet.   
  


******************************************************************************   
  


Daniel slept for a long time. When he woke up, he saw Linda sitting at his desk asleep with her head on her arms, her long light brown hair loose. Earlier it had been twisted into a long braid. 'Time to let your hair down?' he thought. 'Me, too.' He eyed the digital clock sitting on his desk. Ten A.M.. Time to get going. He reached over and tapped her on the shoulder gently. "Linda?" he asked quietly.   
  


She awakened quickly. "Yeah? Oh, hi, Danny. Feeling any better?"   
  


"Yeah, somewhat."   
  


"Good, I'm happy to hear that."   
  


"I just couldn't see past my own feelings. I think I've misunderstood the others." 

"That's the drug-induced depression talking."   
  


"Yeah. Well, thanks for helping me the way you did."   
  


"No problem, Danny. That's what friends are for."   
  


"True." He nodded in agreement. "I hope I can regain my friends."   
  


"You never lost them. I talked to Jack last night. He understood. He's going to talk to Sam and Teal'c, too. They'll probably be by to see you later."   
  


"Good," he said and his blue eyes shone in anticipation. "Wait! Why do I have to wait for them to come to me? I'll go talk to them!" he exclaimed and he was out the door before Linda could respond.   
  


"Everything's going to work out." Linda said to herself.   
  


******************************************************************************   
  


Daniel found the others in the control room watching another team come through the gate. "Hey, guys?" he said a little hesitantly. "Can we talk in the conference room?"   
  


"Sure," Jack responded. The others nodded in agreement. They all walked into the conference room. Daniel closed the door and then started speaking.   
  


"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the way I've been acting." He looked down at the floor and then up again.   
  


"Why?" Jack asked. "We let them put you in that place. We're the ones that should . . . "   
  


"No, Jack . . . The doctors thought it was necessary; they were going on what they saw and knew at the time."   
  


Sam interrupted. "But, Daniel, that place was horrible! I'm so sorry about leaving you there. We didn't believe you. You tried so hard to tell us and . . . "   
  


"It's okay, Sam. "You believed me when it really mattered, and we saved Teal'c's life."   
  


"That's true, but we should have believed you instead of the doctors." 

"I resent what they did, but they didn't really know the cause. I was wrong about you guys. Janet and McKenzie warned me about this drug-induced depression, but I didn't pay attention. I didn't understand your view. Linda helped me see that."   
  


"Well, Daniel, I'm glad you're feeling better," Sam said.   
  


"It's still going to take some time, but I will be better."   
  


"We're still your friends, Daniel. Don't forget that."   
  


"I won't. Thank you." Daniel smiled a little. 

"It's good to have you back with us, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said sincerely.   
  


"Thanks, Teal'c. I'm glad to be back. Thanks for being my friend."   
  


"It is I who should thank you, especially for saving my life."   
  


"You're welcome."   
  


They were all united again and could now work together to heal the rift that had kept them apart for a time. It might still be a rough road out there, but they would travel together on it.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
